DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY WORDS, IMAGERY, OR PHRASES THAT ARE BY ANY AND EVERY SINGLE PERSON'S STANDARDS VULGAR AND OFFENSIVE.

I got a phone call today while I was busy working.  "Hello?", I said.  "May I speak to the business owner?", he said.  "This is him.", I lied.  "Sir, good morning!  I am calling to tell you about an exclusive offer on our monogrammed pens with your company's...(interrupted)  "No thank you and please remove me from your calling list.", I said.

Now, I SWEAR there was some sort of law in place to protect me from this call, but for whatever reason, it failed. 

After hanging up, I quickly compiled an official  LIST OF THINGS I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE SAID INSTEAD OF "NO THANK YOU AND PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM YOUR CALLING LIST."

You have been warned.

 

LIST OF THINGS I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE SAID INSTEAD OF "NO THANK YOU AND PLEASE REMOVE ME FROM YOUR CALLING LIST."

1)  Sorry Sir, but I would rather bong John Wayne's diarrhea than buy your pens.

2)  No offense Guy, but I would rather eat a salad bowl of kindergartener's boogers than listen to you another second.  No offense.

3)  Call me again, I kill your dog.

4)  I would just as soon stick fishhooks into my eyelids and genitalia, tie them to a bridge, and jump than to have your stupid pens.

5)  I screwed your mom.

6)  Perhaps you could take one of those pens and shove it up your urethra.

7)  Sir, your call is worse than licking a petri dish full of AIDS.

  I hate you.

9)  **No thank you, I already have monogrammed pens.

 

**answers marked with double asterisk were added later by the editor, and may not reflect the views or opinions of the author.

Well done Yim, well done. Mind you, offensive to some, but well done with that in mind, you!

10) I was pondering killing myself before you called. Thanks for helping me decide.

Bozeman, Bozeman, here I come!

How's Bozeman? So much for hooking up with you for lunch last week. Jason Volkersz and I had lunch and he's as bitter as ever. Good times. Kolar has less and less hair each time I see him, and the band still is a bunch of drunks. It's nice to be sober and healthy in Portland. At least I know I can stay sober whenver you're not around, you lush...

Slack ass bitch.

love men.

please come back to billings jimmy

COME ON, JIMMY! FUCK!